tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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