I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
