He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
the liver wants what the liver wants
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
