you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
