Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
