Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
