I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
