I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
