The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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