I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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