So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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