Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
