Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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