my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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