I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
