we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My vagina is very pro this idea
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
