When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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