Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
