Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
