New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I need to calm my uterus...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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