I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
