Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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