Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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