Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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