if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
