can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
FUCK WHALES
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
