This girl is more easily done than said...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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