I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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