If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
