I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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