$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
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I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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