Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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