I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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