it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
NoShamevember. You game?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
