you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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