i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
