I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize