Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
be right there i have to get my cape
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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