oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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