if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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