i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
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Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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