Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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