so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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