i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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