What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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