The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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