Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
