Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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