i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
