I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
