You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
