dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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