my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
