When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
